3 NEWLYWED SELF CARE MISTAKES I MADE

Now that I’ve been married for 16 years this September, I can honestly say it’s been a ride. A good ride, but there were some mistakes I made as a newlywed. Honestly, so many men and women make mistakes as newlyweds. It’s the growth and journey that makes it worth it. Here are 3 newlywed mistakes I made. 3 SELF CARE MISTAKES I MADE AS A STAY AT HOME MOM

Making Myself Too Available
Starting off, I wanted to make our bond, relationship, and unit as strong as possible. Going in, we both fell into our ”role” and mine was the super homemaker while he provided financially. My everyday routine and life was dedicated to ensure he didn’t have to lift a finger. There wasn’t anything for him to worry about. Even when he came home I was all ears on how his long day went. I watched whatever it is he watched to spend time with him, get interested in his interest, and to have someone to talk to. Although I was doing what I thought a wife should be, my mental and emotional needs was placed on the back burner. I felt like because I didn’t work outside the home I didn’t deserve anything. Not even a tube of lipstick.

Sometimes I would deliver him lunch at work when he wanted it. But then when I did get the guts to want to do something it was like lightening struck. He didn’t know what to do when I wasn’t there. I made him so comfortable that it was becoming codependent. One day talking to my brother he said ”stop making yourself too available”. I had never thought about it that way. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to as a wife. Now years later we have this thing figured out. When I tell him I need a break, order pizza, and figure it out for yourself, he gets it. He does whatever he needs to ensure I’m ok.

Put The Kids First
So once again I thought (or we both) top priority was taking care of the kids. Giving them the life we desired them to have. Going above and beyond to provide. There was a point I went back to school for my medical billing coding certification. The professor asked us, “who was the most important person in my life.” Without hesitation , I said my kids. He immediately responded with shock and said, ”I thought you’d say your husband.” In my head, and my husbands, we put the kids First over everything.

Well now I understand why it’s important to put your spouse First. The kids are going to be loved and cared for no matter what. But my husband was there First and he is the reason I have kids. Now we make sure to put our marriage and relationship First. We have our date nights, tell the kids we need some time together , and got rid of the guilt. We used to feel so guilty for doing something for ourselves. The kids are fine. Actually it’s better and healthy for them to see mommy and daddy loving on each other. Now they tell us go out and have a date we’ll be fine.

I Lost Me
I completely gave up everything. My dreams, hopes, and desires. Mom and wife was my title and I couldn’t have anything else. So I thought. Whatever I wanted to do, create, or start I forgot about and convinced myself I couldn’t do it. Something as simple as voicing what I wanted to eat became, ”whatever you guys want I’ll eat.” My sense of individuality was gone.

I did the bare minimum when it came to my appearance. I didn’t play in makeup, workout as much, watch my diet, read, write, or any other hobbies I desired. Don’t get me wrong, I dreamed like crazy. It was burning inside me, but I didn’t pursue anything. Now I completely made up for it, because when I did start I dabbled in everything. It makes for a better relationship and marriage.

Those are just 3 mistakes that I made in the beginning of my marriage. We have this idea or is taught to be a certain way. When the right way is what you and your partner decides. Just like life, marriage is a journey. Who you were at the beginning isn’t who you are year 3, year 7, or year 15. It’s about growth, communication, and understanding it’s a never ending road.

Be well on your journey.

RosalynLynn

Be you so you can be free.

FRIDAY SHORTS: FAMILY DOESN’T GET A FREE PASS

Some of our most difficult relationships are the one’s we have with family. That is mother, father, sister, brother, auntie, uncle, cousin, and even grandparents. Yes, we need family. We need their love and support. Especially when we’ve fallen. Their support and love is yearned for when we accomplish something significant. But what family doesn’t get to do is have a free pass to abuse the relationship.

Family relationships are tricky because we give free passes when they disrespect, use, abuse, gaslight, blame, and shame us. We often make excuses for them. Telling ourselves it’s family, we have to get over it. NO, you don’t. Just because there is relation there, doesn’t mean they get to hurt your feelings without regard. LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE

In actuality, its hurts so much worse because it does come from family. Family isn’t supposed to do what outsiders do and get away with it. After so many passes have been given out, tensions rise and relationships become fragile. Of course it’s difficult to have a conversation with a loved one. Telling someone you love what they are doing is hurting you, and you need them to stop is tough. Most of us are raised to believe we have to take it because it is family.

Well family doesn’t get a free pass. This is the group of people that you should be able to be the most vulnerable no matter what the situation is. In order to do so, it is perfectly ok to let them know how they hurt you. Family is suppose to be our safe havens. It’s already hard enough in this cold world.

We can create open dialogue and boundaries. Remember even in family we can have boundaries. As a matter of fact, that is the best way to save some of the relationships.

RosalynLynn

Be you so you can be free.

“Someone Has It Worse Than You”

My apologies to everyone I have said “Someone has it worse than you,” to. I can’t remember where I heard it or what station I was watching but someone said that this is the worse response you can say to someone when they express their feelings or concern to you.

I had to take a pause and think how could that be a bad thing. Welp…for many reasons.

First of all, I had to think they could careless about someone else’s feelings or problems at the moment. What someone else is going through has nothing to do with them.

Secondly, I am pretty sure they know there are people out there who are having what seems to be the worst luck ever. They aren’t living in a bubble and don’t know what’s going on in the world.

Next, I realized when I say that to someone I have completely dismissed, diminished, and rejected their feelings, thoughts, situations, and experience. They have a right to feel how they feel and experience the emotions that come along with that.

Another reason why telling someone that isn’t good, is the message they hear is “it’s no big deal”. They hear “get over it and move on, what are you whining about.” When in actuality they probably had to build themselves up to open up and they just got crushed.

For those who suffer from depression, anxiety, or any other mental health trauma that statement will discourage them for speaking out or expressing themselves. They hear their problems are small, doesn’t measure up to others, and their feelings aren’t valid.

I can almost see as I think back after saying this to someone how I deflated them. They have built their energy up to express themselves and I go and say “well you know someone has it worse”, their response is silence and fades into the darkness.

Please understand when I’ve said that to someone, it wasn’t meant in a malicious way. I wasn’t trying to demean, dismiss, or diminish their experience or feelings. Literallly for me, that was my way of encouraging them not feel like the world has crashed down upon them. If you think your life is over, just imagine the crushing pain of others. You can get through whatever it is, because we all bounce back up.

But, I guess I should have said just that. Just like we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others, in no way we should insinuate they should compare their problems to others to makes themselves feel better.

But I now know that isn’t what they want to hear nor what they need to hear. Telling them their feelings are valid, work through the pain, and come out stronger is more like it. Helping them understand why they are experiencing said emotions is much more helpful.

Once again my apologies to anyone I’ve said this to and made you feel like your feelings didn’t matter. They do and so do you.

RosalynLynn

Be you so you can be free.

SINGLE LIFE IS A BLESSING, ENJOY IT

If you didn’t know it before, I’m here to tell you, single life is a blessing. Embrace and enjoy every minute you have with yourself. There is this misconception that being single is a bad thing and you’re not complete if you’re not in a relationship. Being single is a blessing and gift from God. One can actually have an amazing run at living the single life.

For starters, when living the single life you have time for yourself, to yourself, and by yourself. You don’t have to worry about sharing your time and making sure they feel wanted. Being single is a blessing because you can come and go when you please.

Single life is a blessing because you can invest as much time as you want into your career and achieve your goals so when you’re ready for a relationship you can have time for the relationship. Another benefit to being single is learning, loving, and getting to know you. The more you have time to be with yourself, the more you’ll be able to know exactly what you want in a partner and how you want to be loved.

One being single can have an amazing life. Just because a person is single doesn’t mean they are depressed, bored, and unhappy. When you’re single you can be your own companion and love yourself the way you want to be loved. Having dinner alone is actually a good thing. Taking a vacation and enjoying your time and fruits of your labor alone is a good thing. Yes, single people take vacations all the time and have an amazing experience. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY To All!!!

Relationships are hard work. I often tell people being married is a full time job, it is just as important if not more than the one that pays you. You have to constantly work at the relationship to have a long sustaining meaningful one. Sacrifice and compromise is one thing you don’t have to worry about when you’re single.

Single life allows you to be independent and won’t feel the need to have someone to make you feel whole, accomplished, or complete. Fulfill yourself with those things.

Being Single Is A Blessing

Once you know how to love yourself you’ll be able to show someone how to love you and you’ll be able to receive love. How you treat yourself is how you teach people how to treat you. Love on yourself so good that you’ll find amazing love with a partner one day.

Remember just because someone is married or in a relationship doesn’t mean they are happy and the relationship is good. On the other hand, just because someone is single doesn’t mean they aren’t living a great life or has less significance than someone in a relationship.

Being single is a blessing and gift from God. Don’t let your single life go to waste. Enjoy it.

RosalynLynn

Be you so you can be free.