Dealing with betrayal, feeling no support, and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness has been my current mental state in the last couple of weeks. As of late, I’ve come to realize and know there is a certain love and support that I will not receive from family. The first thing I had to do was admit that I wanted and needed their support. We all know and understand the benefits of having family and community to get us through day by day.
Affirmation #1: I am not alone.
The worst and most difficult admission was acknowledging the role a particular member played in the sabotaging of other relationships. It could have come from anyone else but said person. I was manipulated, controlled, and used all because they were seeking the love, attention, and affection they felt they were lacking. Being the sacrificial lamb was very hard to acknowledge. But I had to do.
Affirmation #2: I am not what others say or think about me.
Next, I have replayed and reexamined every scenario and situation in my head. Consistently repeating ”why me?” I’ve questioned what I did wrong millions of times. I’ve taken up for said person even when they were in the wrong. All to be used and reversed to make me appear in a negative manner. I soon had to learn replaying and thinking about all the bad things isn’t going to change what happen. It will not change how they feel. I can’t control or stop, even family, from speaking negatively about me. Instead I’ve tried to understand their hurt, pain, and point of view. OPEN YOUR MIND FOR UNDERSTANDING
Everything I’ve done or accomplished has been put down in some way. Not one member of my family has read a post. As a matter of fact, my mother has asked me several times what is the name of my blog. Boy each time she asks its a huge gut punch. I’m not even going to lie or hide that. However, if I don’t support anyone else who has started their business I’m the worst person in the world. If I don’t show up to their events, I’m being called selfish. I will not stop, because my vision is mine. My hopes, dreams, and aspirations are mine. No one else has to understand or see them.
On the flip side of this betrayal trauma, I’ve been able to learn myself. How it has shown up in relationships. Having a lack of support has you to question everything you do. Because even graduating college, someone else took the credit for it. Like I didn’t go to class and pass those classes on my own. If I changed my hair I was criticized. The comments I receive about being in shape, exercising, and trying to have a healthy lifestyle are very negative. My career path choices have been very different, and that has been criticized. But when I see others getting praised for doing the minimum it no doubt makes me question.
Affirmation #5: I am loved.
I’ve always been a strong willed person. Due to my experiences as a child, I’ve always had to be my own cheerleader. Now I’m at a point I don’t want to cry anymore. I want to heal, learn, and hopefully inspire my own family. My prayer is to be the example. Use me as a vessel.
For anyone who is dealing with betrayal or feelings of loneliness, you are not alone. The pain you are feeling is validation you are doing the right thing. People fight you when you don’t give in to their narrative. When they can’t hold you down they are going to manipulate you into thinking you are doing something wrong. Continue to be you. Do everything that you want to do in life. Pray, help others, and you’ll be ok.
P.S. Plesae understand this is not a post bashing family or anyone. This is me acknowledging my pain. I still love my family, pray for them, and can’t wait to see them for the holidays. Through me healing, I can hopefully help them heal.
Be you so you can be free.